One Day at a Time

Over the past couple of weeks, Adam and I have been overwhelmed and blessed by the prayer support of our family and friends.  I'm quickly learning firsthand that God deeply desires us to lift one another up in prayer and earnestly seek Him through prayer.  My dear sweet mother-in-law also reminded me recently that God loves to have others be able to experience and share in His miracles and works in our lives.  How true!  I personally delight in hearing about answered prayers in my friends and families' lives, yet I often hold things that are of personal significance a little too close to home.  Moreover, God laid a verse on my heart that we need to "tell of his praises" to all those around us.  So...due to our wonderful world of technology today, I've chosen to blog a bit (albeit somewhat infrequently) to at least take time to share updates and how God IS answering the many prayers so many have sent His way on our behalf.  I'm hoping this will also offer updates for those that care to check it in case I forget to update face to face.  Thank you for taking the time to read and share in our journey.

We are blessed.  I guess let me now start there.  Daily, I am reminded of how much I have to be grateful for...a godly husband that never ceases to bring a smile to my face, an incredible daughter that is truly a miracle in our lives in more ways than one, and most importantly, an ever-growing relationship with a Heavenly Father that tells me time and time again that He is GOOD...and whatever He has for us is GOOD!

Adam and I have always dreamed of having a home filled with children, and with the arrival of Olivia, we realized what a gift it is to be entrusted with these precious souls for a time.  In the process of trying to have more kids, we've also had early miscarriages three times.  As many of you have also experienced the pain of these losses, these little lives leave an imprint on our souls, however long their time with us is.  I thank God for using these experiences to press us forward in our faith and dependence on Him.  It's also done remarkable things for me in my desire to have control.  I've finally begun to grasp that I don't have control...and thank goodness for that!  

So that brings us to today.  We are celebrating in the gift of yet another pregnancy (#5!--almost at 6 weeks now).  The first test results looked okay, minus low progesterone.  The second blood test showed the HCG levels rising, but not enough.  The third...it hardly went up at all.  That's when they said it looks like I'm going to miscarry again..."Don't be excited".  Last Thursday, we went in and saw that nothing was visible yet on the ultrasound.  The fourth blood test (just to confirm) surprised the doctors (and us...although we should always be expecting miracles) jumped up to the levels it needed to be at.  Wow!  The doctors didn't know quite what to make of it, but I truly believe it was answered prayer.  

I'd like to say, from this point, we went another 9 months and went on to have another beautiful, healthy child.  BUT...we're still waiting, just almost only 6 weeks along.  I'll go in again on Thursday to see if they can find a heartbeat or even a sign of growth.  They'll test my levels again, and we'll see where we're at.

Each day, I feel pregnant; I don't feel pregnant.  I feel like all is well...I feel like I'm losing the baby again.  I've come to a point where I truly know I (we) are okay either way.  I trust God with that.  So, I asked God..."What's different about this one?  What is it you want me to learn that I haven't yet learned in the past?  Just tell me with clarity, God.  I'll be okay either way...through your grace and strength.  I can say that with confidence.  Just tell me the end result!"  And, He answered.  Gently, quietly, I've heard him say to my heart, "I want you to learn to trust me when you don't know the answer."  Hmmm...definitely a  good lesson for me at this time.  So, here I sit, trying to learn this secret of being content, having no clue what is happening in my body.  And how sweet it is to sit in His presence, moment by moment, day by day, learning this secret of simply waiting.  Waiting and trusting.  Knowing that He is good, no matter what.  And maybe that, in and of itself, is the greatest gift of this journey.  Maybe that's one of the greatest secrets we can learn in this life, period.  For that is of eternal value...the rest is all fluff.  God has each little life in the palm of His hands.  Their place is secure.  What freedom can be found in just letting go, in just turning the reins fully over to His capable hands!  And, oh, what peace!

Still, there are moments where I grasp at the reins.  I try to take control.  I blame.  Still, His quiet voice says, "Seek me."  When we seek Him, He has promised us that we will find Him.  It's just remembering to seek Him in the little moments.

From here, we appreciate your continued prayers.  Our preference, if it's in alignment with God's will for our family, that this child live and thrive and grow to have a heart for Him.  Specifically, a continued reliance on Him and that we continue to bask in His peace and purpose for our family and individual lives.  

Please, keep us posted on your prayers as well.  As I began this year, my prayer was that prayer would become a priority.  I am beginning to learn just how important prayer is and what a privilege it is.  Thanks for journeying with us...another post to come at the end of the week.