Every Day is a Possibility for a Miracle

As I was getting ready for my ultrasound on Thursday, I glanced up and saw this beautiful picture posted in front of me.  The words on the sign are what I titled this post, "Every day is a possibility for a miracle".  I'd never noticed it before.  It gave me just enough courage for the next few moments, as it made me stop focusing on the circumstances and begin focusing on my Father once more.  It's funny; all week, I'd felt such a peace, and yet on Thursday, I really had to keep scrambling back into the Lord's presence in order to calm my heart as I was preparing myself to listen to whatever they found at the appointment.  I somehow forgot that "God's grace is sufficient for me!"  In the moment, I was fine, His grace being sufficient for the moment, yet again reminded that no matter what, all would be well, because I know who holds my hand.  And, I have to admit I was also greatly encouraged by Adam holding my hand physically that day as well, since he took off of work to be there with me.  :)

As far as the results, basically, it was just to wait some more.  I had to laugh.  I already knew that was something God wanted me to learn, so I shouldn't have been surprised that I heard him say, "Wait and learn to trust me more!"

My blood test results looked terrific.  On the ultrasound, they found a gestational sac, but no yolk or heart beat.  They still don't want me to think it's for sure a go yet, but they don't want me to give up yet either.  So, to me that means, just wait.  Basically, it could mean a couple things:  1.  For whatever reason, the little one didn't really develop for a few days (during that blip in my levels) and then took off...this would just put me a week behind, so we're praying this week to see the yolk and a heartbeat.  2.  It could be a blighted ovum, where the baby just stops developing and doesn't show up on the ultrasound.  We're still praying our preference for #1!  We'll find out more again next Thursday.  For most of my life, I've professed a faith in Christ.  Yet, over the past few weeks, months, years, I'm beginning to ask myself if I TRULY, truly believe that God can and will work and answer prayers in our individual lives.  The answer I've arrived at is YES!  I just need to keep reminding myself this as I pray.  I'm not just praying to an invisible God that hears me but may not do anything about it.  We're praying to the God of the universe that is living and active in our lives today.  His answers haven't always been yes, but I know He does answer, and I know He does do what is best!

Over the last couple days, I thought on that picture I saw on the wall of the specialist's office about miracles.  I suppose miracles aren't necessarily always what we think they should be either.  So, my prayer is that I would see God's miracles and hand at work in my life DAILY, not just in the results of all this.  How often do I zoom through the day and forget to notice?  I've been reading One Thousand Gifts, and I am seeing how important it is to thank God every day for all the little things, even gifts of the heart as we experience His presence more and more.

At first, as I approached another week of waiting, I thought, "Man, this could get exhausting!"  But I suppose if we fix our eyes on Him and on doing His will, whatever it is for each of us, then and only then, the waiting becomes a joy in finding out God's plan for us, knowing it's good, no matter what!


"Teach me to do your will, for you are my God;
may your good Spirit lead me on level ground."
~Psalm 143: 10

One Day at a Time

Over the past couple of weeks, Adam and I have been overwhelmed and blessed by the prayer support of our family and friends.  I'm quickly learning firsthand that God deeply desires us to lift one another up in prayer and earnestly seek Him through prayer.  My dear sweet mother-in-law also reminded me recently that God loves to have others be able to experience and share in His miracles and works in our lives.  How true!  I personally delight in hearing about answered prayers in my friends and families' lives, yet I often hold things that are of personal significance a little too close to home.  Moreover, God laid a verse on my heart that we need to "tell of his praises" to all those around us.  So...due to our wonderful world of technology today, I've chosen to blog a bit (albeit somewhat infrequently) to at least take time to share updates and how God IS answering the many prayers so many have sent His way on our behalf.  I'm hoping this will also offer updates for those that care to check it in case I forget to update face to face.  Thank you for taking the time to read and share in our journey.

We are blessed.  I guess let me now start there.  Daily, I am reminded of how much I have to be grateful for...a godly husband that never ceases to bring a smile to my face, an incredible daughter that is truly a miracle in our lives in more ways than one, and most importantly, an ever-growing relationship with a Heavenly Father that tells me time and time again that He is GOOD...and whatever He has for us is GOOD!

Adam and I have always dreamed of having a home filled with children, and with the arrival of Olivia, we realized what a gift it is to be entrusted with these precious souls for a time.  In the process of trying to have more kids, we've also had early miscarriages three times.  As many of you have also experienced the pain of these losses, these little lives leave an imprint on our souls, however long their time with us is.  I thank God for using these experiences to press us forward in our faith and dependence on Him.  It's also done remarkable things for me in my desire to have control.  I've finally begun to grasp that I don't have control...and thank goodness for that!  

So that brings us to today.  We are celebrating in the gift of yet another pregnancy (#5!--almost at 6 weeks now).  The first test results looked okay, minus low progesterone.  The second blood test showed the HCG levels rising, but not enough.  The third...it hardly went up at all.  That's when they said it looks like I'm going to miscarry again..."Don't be excited".  Last Thursday, we went in and saw that nothing was visible yet on the ultrasound.  The fourth blood test (just to confirm) surprised the doctors (and us...although we should always be expecting miracles) jumped up to the levels it needed to be at.  Wow!  The doctors didn't know quite what to make of it, but I truly believe it was answered prayer.  

I'd like to say, from this point, we went another 9 months and went on to have another beautiful, healthy child.  BUT...we're still waiting, just almost only 6 weeks along.  I'll go in again on Thursday to see if they can find a heartbeat or even a sign of growth.  They'll test my levels again, and we'll see where we're at.

Each day, I feel pregnant; I don't feel pregnant.  I feel like all is well...I feel like I'm losing the baby again.  I've come to a point where I truly know I (we) are okay either way.  I trust God with that.  So, I asked God..."What's different about this one?  What is it you want me to learn that I haven't yet learned in the past?  Just tell me with clarity, God.  I'll be okay either way...through your grace and strength.  I can say that with confidence.  Just tell me the end result!"  And, He answered.  Gently, quietly, I've heard him say to my heart, "I want you to learn to trust me when you don't know the answer."  Hmmm...definitely a  good lesson for me at this time.  So, here I sit, trying to learn this secret of being content, having no clue what is happening in my body.  And how sweet it is to sit in His presence, moment by moment, day by day, learning this secret of simply waiting.  Waiting and trusting.  Knowing that He is good, no matter what.  And maybe that, in and of itself, is the greatest gift of this journey.  Maybe that's one of the greatest secrets we can learn in this life, period.  For that is of eternal value...the rest is all fluff.  God has each little life in the palm of His hands.  Their place is secure.  What freedom can be found in just letting go, in just turning the reins fully over to His capable hands!  And, oh, what peace!

Still, there are moments where I grasp at the reins.  I try to take control.  I blame.  Still, His quiet voice says, "Seek me."  When we seek Him, He has promised us that we will find Him.  It's just remembering to seek Him in the little moments.

From here, we appreciate your continued prayers.  Our preference, if it's in alignment with God's will for our family, that this child live and thrive and grow to have a heart for Him.  Specifically, a continued reliance on Him and that we continue to bask in His peace and purpose for our family and individual lives.  

Please, keep us posted on your prayers as well.  As I began this year, my prayer was that prayer would become a priority.  I am beginning to learn just how important prayer is and what a privilege it is.  Thanks for journeying with us...another post to come at the end of the week.